CHICAGO – When a Chicago Bears fan requested chamomile tea at a Soldier Field concession stand, three other Bears fans slugged and kicked him in front of dozens of people. Security arrived ten minutes later.
Gabe Andrews, a 28-year-old Borders manager and tea enthusiast from Skokie, briefly talked about his bashing. He said the three men verbally harassed and threatened him when he asked why herbal tea wasn’t available. Things escalated when he declined beer, soda, hot chocolate, and a $4.50 bottled water.
“I bleed orange and dark navy, but I’m not the typical Bears fan. I enjoy art, eating salad, and fist-free political debate.” Andrews said. “Is offering a warm, affordable, non-alcoholic, corn syrup-free beverage too much to request?”
Sportservice, the company responsible for food and beverage operations at Soldier Field, thinks so. Company spokesman Ted Mills said, “Our fans have lofty expectations and complex palettes. They don’t trust anything that isn’t fried, grilled, or spit out of something.”
According to Mills, fans enjoy their concessions like their sentences — duo-syllabic. “They don’t want baguettes with salami and Camembert. They want meat covered in lukewarm, processed nacho ooze and liquid meat.”
Andrews said that’s exactly the point. “If you’ve been eating Soldier Field food or just watching the Bears play this year, you feel nauseous. Everybody knows there’s no better cure for an upset stomach than tea.”
Mills said vendors cannot be expected to sell tea. “We’re not in the business of Norah Jones concerts or Will and Grace reunions. The bottom line is this, the biggest highlight of most professional sports are animated food races on the scoreboard. We base our decisions on what to offer from that. Football fans like cheering on their sausages. They don’t want to see the fastest tea bag.”
Andrews vehemently disagrees. He says some stadiums are progressive, but still satisfy junk foodies. Candlestick Park offers the usual stadium fare. You can also purchase veggie burgers and portobello mushroom sandwiches. Safeco Field serves sushi [Ichiroll] and salmon sandwiches. They also have garlic fries and deep-fried cheesecake. “Meanwhile, the only way I can get a quality beverage is by wrapping a tea bag in a small balloon and hiding it in my mouth.”
He says Sportservice is missing a real opportunity to provide healthy alternatives. “They’re ignoring the glaring needs of the vegan fan, the diabetic fan, and the fan who refuses to eat food that smells like Skull Island. Why are we outcasts? Why are we mocked and punished? It won’t be for a long time, but I dream of the day I can go to Soldier Field and enjoy some soothing tea, a gluten-free lemon scone, and the Bears kicking ass.”
-Courtesy of our contributer Scott Kanter
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